Driving Miss Crazy...

Rain, it causes mayhem and sillyness in Dubai. These are fairly calm words compared to the ones I was using on my drive to work this morning, not even the smooth sounds of Rob Thomas could stop me from shouting at the white BMW 4x4 that threatened to run me off the road. I appreciate a few things about this utter moron, he obviously has bought into the idea that hanging a CD and a set of prayer beads from your rear view mirror is the best way to combat those pesky speed cameras. They really should just be removed so that this poor man doesn’t have to put up with the blinding light in his eyes every few hundred yards. He was after all just trying to make sure that the 2 women and child in his car got to wherever it was they were going at the speed of light. No other speed would have sufficed for these special charges. I say special charges for a few reasons, the main one being that as the child was not strapped in and was standing on the arm rest between him and his front seat passenger, he must hold him and his safety close to his heart. The seatbelt is obviously just a restriction put on this earth to stop him waving his arms about and also turning to the back seat to converse with his other passengers; in this case I believe we should just have them removed. Whilst we are removing things, possibly his wing mirrors, as they just make the car slightly wider, and make it even harder to use the hard shoulder as an extra lane for driving in, and as he is already turned backwards for conversational purposes we should just remove the rear view mirror. It just gets in the way of the windscreen when he is gesticulating and trying to make a point to the car in front. However without that he may have to resort to sticking a hook on his wind screen for the beads and CD, saying that though, if we remove the speed cameras there would be no need, problem solved.

The bull bar should also be removed as it makes it harder for him to get as close as humanly possible to the car in front, in order to make his point more clearly, so really all cars should have their bumpers removed as well, so that he can get within the requisite 2cm rather than 15cm.  The flashing of lights is mandatory, full beam essential in order to make your point. It works even better if you can put your hazards on at the same time. At this point it would be helpful to note that you are not special, the man in the BMW is not just asking you to move, he would be delighted if you could pass on the message to the car directly in front of you, and directly to your right, if you could also employ the same methods as him it would work faster.

Also I would at this point like to commend our police for the sterling work they did during the above process. Talking on your mobile whilst doing 160 in the slow lane was helpful in ways I cannot describe, it is beyond words.

I have many views on the driving on the Abu Dhabi highway, many of which I cannot express without getting a warning for language either from my mother or the greater gods of the internet, such is the level that is required. I usually just grin and bear it but today, to you, the muppet in the bmw, I hope your tyres fall off and someone shoves a potatoe up your exhaust, believe me if I knew where you lived I would.